Thursday, August 18, 2011
Three good reasons NOT to see "Soul Surfer"
2. You didn't foresee a sunny afternoon sitting out in the backyard, when your daughter would come sit sulkily next to you on the grass, sighing and pulling her knees up to her chin.
"What's the matter?" you ask.
"What am I going to do when I grow up?" she's almost crying. This is the question on which her happiness for the moment depends. She needs assurance that growing up isn't going to stink.
But it probably will, so you answer, "My guess is, whatever you work the hardest at."
"But I don't work hard at anything."
"You can fix that today!" you say cheerily. But she's not impressed. She's still sulking.
"Do you want to be a mom?" you ask. No.
"A teacher?" No.
"A musician?" No.
Suddenly, you can read her heart, and its desire dawns on you: "Do you want to be a surfer who gets her arm bitten off by a shark, then defies the odds and inspires a Nation in Crisis by getting back on her surf board?"
Your daughter looks up; she nods her head. Yes, it's what she wants to do.
"Better get crackin'."
3. But the greatest shock comes after the kids are in bed, and you round the corner to your bedroom, and discover your husband wearing little more than scivvies and sunglasses, lunging on the braided rug with his arms outstretched to either side.
"What the hell?" you say.
"I'm soul surfing," he answers.
He swivels his hips slightly over hypothetical waves, forcing you to ask the question, "Is this foreplay?" Time has taught you to nail down precisely when foreplay is taking place, lest you miss it altogether.
"As a matter of fact...it is foreplay!"
So you hit the lights, thinking shark attack is maybe the way to go.
And if you need a fourth reason, see here. But go ahead and rent the movie if you must. Carrie Underwood plays a Christian in it.
*Please note, the above scenarios are pure hypothesis. Any resemblance to actual Duffys is just a coincidence.