Betty Duffy

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A Repressed Sanguine

Found this in an old diary:

I had been thinking all this time that I am a Sanguine-Melancholic, but since “The Temperament God Gave You” book says this would make me a schizophrenic, I’ve had to re-evaluate. Am I more introverted or extraverted? Pessimistic or optimistic? Quick to react, or slow to react? Two out of three responses point to sanguine. And admittedly, in my youth, these attributes were much more clear.

What kind of person wants to be alone for two out of three days, but will practically die if she doesn’t have something to do on day three? I deliberate on matters of great importance, and make snap decisions on everything else. I desire social life, but also find it tiring and sometimes not worth the work. So maybe, I’m just a lazy sanguine who’s picky about her company, but needs it none-the-less. I do feel my best when I’m active, have a lot to do, and an adoring audience to watch me do it.

How could I ever think I was melancholic? Because motherhood interferes with my fun and makes me glum sometimes. Because my audience more often than not is un-adoring. Because I have learned that it’s never flattering for a fat woman to be a show-boater, so I don’t get to flash my jazz hands as often as I’d like. Because I admire my melancholic sister and have endeavored to obtain some of her interest in reading, writing and thinking.

I am vain enough to think it’s cool to be a quiet thinker. It is an affect I started to cultivate, probably around seventh grade. I used to practice staring for long periods of time to make people think I was deep in thought, but my deep thoughts were something akin to: “Don’t people think I’m deep? Who’s watching me stare into space?”

If I have any quality that appears to be wisdom, it is only my unfailing honesty. I must tell the truth, no matter how ugly, and if that appears to others as deep perception, lucky me. But another truth, is that I am not cunning enough to discern what to share, and what not to share.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

I must tell you, I could have written this post (as could my mom,

I've been reading your blog for a few hours as I sit waiting for my gas company to show up and turn my heat back on. I've found a kindred spirit it seems!