Betty Duffy

(Amateur)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Golden Globes 2009!

The Golden Globe Awards Show brings together all of the biggest talents in Hollywood under one roof. Watching such an occasion on TV inevitably causes people to ask themselves certain questions. My husband asks: “Where are the terrorists when you need them?” And I ask: “Is that a pantsuit you’re wearing, Glenn?” “Mickey Rourke?” and probably the most pressing, “Who do you think should play me in the movie of my life?”

All these years I’ve been thinking, yes, most definitely, Kate Winslet and I are kindred spirits. She’s curvy, a little bit haphazard, and there’s some evidence that she uses the toilet every now and then (that’s something you never see Angelina Jolie do in a movie). The same year that Kate Winslet was posing nude for Leo in Titanic, I posed in an undershirt to be painted for Karly Whitaker’s senior art thesis—free, kindred spirits, no? But I’m saying, there have been years that have gone by since I first considered this question, and though Kate and I are the same age, she has been slightly better preserved. The resemblances between us diminish with each passing year—and I have to say—I don’t especially care for her fake American accent.

Which means, I must ask, “Who is me now?” And I know the answer. She was the only one who gave an acceptance speech that caused my husband to remark, “At least she’s not a nut.” And yes, I have to agree, Laura Linney is not a nut. She is the new me, the thirty something me (even though she’s forty something—that’s the adjustment for a personal trainer, cosmetic surgery, and whatever else serves to pickle the women of Hollywood).

So here it is: The cast of the movie of my life.

Whoever plays my husband needs to be a brave, risk taking, man of action, willing to make politically incorrect comments like, “A four hundred pound man just lost twenty pounds on The Biggest Loser? He probably just took a dump.” So, I choose Russell Crowe—an utterly fearless actor who looks nothing like my husband. My husband looks more like Chandler on Friends, but come bedtime, it would be nice for him to be Russell Crowe.

I’m Laura Linney, not a nut.

My children can be played by the Caulkin brothers (as in Macauley), and my daughter by Dakota Fanning, because they are the only child actors that I know—unless they’ve grown up recently.

Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton, and Jessica Lange…all I can say is that my mom is NOT Susan Serandon.

Dad’s Clint Eastwood.

My inlaws? I hate to say it, but there is no one in Hollywood who can play them. They’re as Midwestern and ordinary as you get.

Pedge, I know when we discussed this you thought you might get Katie Holmes to play you, but I really do think you should go ahead and audition to be “Pedge, as herself.” You would totally get the part.

And the rest of you, please include in the comments section who you think you might like to have play you and I’ll see what I can do.

No worries about the screenplay—Pedge and I have already written it. It includes all kinds of fun scenes, like a montage of Pedge and I trying on crazy outfits at our local Goodwill to a funky pop music medley.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would want to be played by someone like Nicole Kidman or Jennifer Garner but realistically I'll have to go with Kirstie Alley, especially in those Jenny Craig ads when shes shouting "Fettichini Alfredo".

I know casting for other people is a very dangerous road to go down but definitely Reese Whitherspoon for Sharon and Enzo would need to be played by someone like "The Rock". I can't remember his real name but hes a pro-wrestler turned actor whose character always runs a daycare and kicks people's asses on the side.

Megan said...

i didnt mean to go anonymous....its Megan

jenx67 said...

LOL. I love the part where Pedge gets to play herself.

John said...

Five years ago I might've said Ben Affleck, but today I would be more of a Will Ferrell or Kevin James (the critically acclaimed star of "Mall Cop") or some other chubby slob.

For Kate, I'd say Natalie Portman (with hair) or Anne Hathaway...some cute brunette who is not Kira Knightly, because I am morally opposed to her existence.

Also for Dad, you might consider Randy Quaid revisiting his role as Cousin Eddie.

My vote for Al: Paul Giamatti in a wig. They say he's quite versatile.

Emily said...

This is a little like "What animal are you." John, I still think you're Ben Affleck and I can see the Kate/Anne connection. Dad could conceivably also be Chuck Norris, after his conversion. Mom: Barbra again? Betty, I'm sorry, but I'm having a really hard time seeing the Laura Linney connection. Kate Winslet, yes. And I guess I can see the resemblance between Joe and Russell: a man of action, few words, bravely combating baldness and a paunch ... (got ya back! although I guess in fairness I should erase that, though it is meant as a compliment.) Seth could be played by Ted Nugent. As for me, what do you think -- Jodi Foster? Stoic, tough . .. Fertilitywise, Angelina and I have a lot in common. On the what character in Jane Austen are you web page, I was Elinor from Sense and Sensibility, so I guess Emma Thompson could play me, since I'm getting so - mature looking. (again: you/Kate Winslet. She probably has more wrinkles than apparent.) Dan has the John Cusack thin upper lip I fell in love with in The Journey of Natty Gann,so maybe I could be Meredith Salenger (I had to look that up on our copy of the movie), although John MacEvoy is so talented, I'm sure he could do a great job as Dan, too.

Emily said...

Oops - JAMES McEvoy ... Although the perfectionism of tennis great John McEnroe must have been in my subconscious . . .

Betty Duffy said...

Megan, I'm loving Reese as Sharon, and The Rock as Enzo, but Kirstie Alley? Why not someone exotic and spicy like Penelope Cruz?

John, What do you guys have against Keira Knightly? Is it her underbite? Or her inadequate show at Lizzie Bennett? Her chestlessness?

I agree with Emily that you're still Ben, but I think Kate needs to be someone a little darker than Anne Hathaway--maybe Jennifer Connelly? When I think Anne Hathaway, I think platypus.

You're right about Randy Quaid and Dad. I forgot about him.

I was trying to think of a use for Paul Giamatti, but I didn't want to make him Joe. Al is just the ticket.

Emily, I knew you'd find a way to incorporate Sexy Tumnus.

Emma Thompson, (though you are Eleanor), is getting a little Granny for you. I actually think YOU'Re Laura Linney. I just wanted to be her because I like her, but she's way more you than me, though Jodi Foster is also adequate.
What about Mark Wahlberg for Dan?
I keep forgetting that Babs has some acting cred. She's definitely Mom.

Betty Duffy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sharon Kieffer Steele said...

I am terrible at these things but I have been chuckling at Enzo as The Rock - and Keira Knightley's crazy underbite. hahahah Thanks for the giggle!

I've always thought Grant resembled Andy Garcia - especially when he used to have the slicked back hair. He's a little Martin Scorcese in the eyebrow department, though! :)

Kate said...

Emily, I thought I was the only one who fell in love with John C in Natty Gann - love that movie!

I think Will Ferrell (in his more serious mode, not Old School or Ron Burgundy-esque) is not a bad choice for John, but if bedtime's factoring in, I also vote for Ben Affleck. And then Jennifer Garner could be me, although she's a bit too perky/happy. But I'll take any non-Keira. Can Dad be Farmer Hoggett? No Barbra allowed in this movie, please... I like Meryl much better.

Have you guys ever done this site? http://www.myheritage.com/celebrity-face-recognition Pretty fun... we can get some definitive answers from Science.

Kate said...

How about Ed Norton for Dan?

Kate said...

.... and what about Laura DERN for Emily?

And speaking of Jurassic Park, how about Sam Neil for David?

Elizabeth said...

can I play myself? as the group cracker says they are unclassifiable, i have to stick with that and i'm sure at this point all i get is a periphery mention. anyway, i think that i am much more fun to watch the GG's with than joe. let's try to make it a date for next year...we could meet at 'becca's and wear our fancy dresses. i guess i need to read more about this screen play, i'm missing out on it!

Emily said...

oh, I like Laura Dern! I wish I had hair like that. And Ed Norton . . . never seen any movie with him, but when I googled him it made me think of Bruce Willis, but I still want Sexy Tumnus - or John Cusack. Sharon, Grant IS Alec Baldwin! too funny! What about this funny guy on the Flight of the Conchords as John? (Did anyone watch my link? I promise it's funny.) Can Colin Firth be in this movie, too? Kate, I know there's a movie star out there who looks like you, but I just can't think of who it is, but I like Dad as Farmer Hoggett. Dan votes for Clint or Chuck.

Betty Duffy said...

With such an incredible star-studded cast, it does beg the question: why has no one made this movie? The chaotically enmeshed Catholic Family, Their kooky friends, and what...I've counted 37 potential kids in this discussion alone.

Emily, you are nailed a Laura Dern.
Kate, we are still overlooking someone really obvious. I know it, because I know I've thought: "She's Kate" before. I just can't remember who. But Jennifer Garner can suffice as Ben's wife, until we remember who that is.
I have always thought that Maggie Gyllenhal looks like she's related to the Waldens.
Elizabeth, You can play yourself as long as you please please PLEASE rescue me from my husband's company for the GOlden Globes next year. I cannot think of a LESS TOLERANT Hollywood observer than Joe. How many times did I say, "If you're going to ruin it for me, don't watch it."?

Megan S said...

Enzo just installed Net-Nanny on our Laptop and I'm happy to report that children across America are safe. Betty has offically been blocked for "Mature themes" and "tabacco". Thankfully, I was able to talk Enzo into giving me the overide password.

Exotic, spicy? Girlfriend, you are remembering my Geneva days. Really, I'm Kristie Alley. And on a bad day, Rosanne. But I'll gladly have Penelope play my role.

OK, I'm thinkin Jennifer Aniston for Julie...sweet, down to earth and not too serious, Sally Field for my Mom (and yours), and definitly Gene Hackman or Donald Trump for my Dad.

I love Ben Afflek for John... what about Natlie Portman for Kate? Definitly Kate Winslet for you Betty!!! And what about John Travolta for Dan? (in war movies like Thin Red Line NOT like Sat Night Fever and Grease)or Mel Gibson? I totally see Laura Dern for Emily or a more outgoing & stronger Katie Holmes. I totally see Andy Garcia or Alec Baldwin for Grant. John and Danielle I'll have to think about.

And of course Dora the Explorer for my little Maria.

Sharon Kieffer Steele said...

This is whoGrant thinks should play him:

Betty Duffy said...

HIlarious!

Betty Duffy said...

Megan, I can't think what mature themes I've written about on here. I do have search labels for 'sex' and "naked people" but clearly that's just a ruse to get perverts to read my blog.

I was thinking that "My Geneva Days" should be the title of your autobiography. Can I write it for you?

Betty Duffy said...

MOm's vote is in. Since she saw Dr Zhivago, she has wanted to be Julie Christie (as Laura). Though in her most recent movie, she plays a woman who is losing her mind. Might want to rethink that.