Betty Duffy

(Amateur)

Monday, September 8, 2008

A Joke!

Sarah Palin's joke the other night comparing hockey moms to pit bulls had me thinking about lipstick jokes, and I've decided that my lipstick joke for the day is "You can put lipstick on a pig...but it's still a pig." Here I am, I have not bothered with lipstick today, nor my contacts, and maybe I even forgot to brush my teeth this morning, because no matter what I do to sexify this lovely figure, I will still be six months pregnant. I even have on the pink shirt that caused Mr. Duffy to remark, "Have you no dignity at all? It takes one minute to put on a clean shirt." What Mr. Duffy did not realize is that this is a clean shirt. It's just lived through four pregnancies, and is apparently quite stained on the underside of my belly where I go buffing along the kitchen counter as I'm cooking. But I can't see it, so it must not be that bad, and anyway, by the end of the day, the upper side of my belly is decorated in numerous droppings from breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack...(didn't someone say it's a good idea to eat six meals a day?). I could spend my life changing my shirt, but that would just mean more laundry.

So here's a quiz:

What does pregnant Betty do when she is feeling tired, fat and frumpy?
A.) Go for a walk
B.) Take a nap
C.) Make a vat of no-bake cookies and eat 2/3rds of them herself before they reach the wax paper
D.) Make a vat of no-bake cookies, eat 2/3rds of them, then lay on the couch and complain about being too tired to take a walk.

If you answered D, you are correct. On the bright side, no bakes are chock full of nutrituous oats, organic peanut butter, and anti-oxidant rich chocolate; a health food, really. But if you ever hear me saying, "I always gain so much weight when I'm pregnant, no matter what I do. I get fat nose, fat cheeks, fat ankles, fat toenails. It's not fair." Just remember what blogging Betty told you in a weak moment. I have never given up the no-bakes.

So now it's time to put that spiritual spin on this tale of woe...wrap it up into a tidy package with some gem of wisdom for my readers.

...Hold on...

...I'm working on it...

...still thinking about how to do that...

...God's plan...

...personal sanctification...

... This is spiritual constipation...

This is where it becomes very evident that I could put lipstick on this pig and it would still be a pig. I have not come to terms, in five pregnancies, with what pregnancy does to my brain and my body. I know it's a blessing. I know it's part of God's plan. I will do it. I am doing it. But I do it like the spoiled baby that I am. And no amount of moral posturing at this moment is going to make the next three months feel any better. And you'd think that at some point I would learn to embrace this suffering how I'm supposed to--that this coccoon of bodily sacrifice would one day split open and a bright Beatific Betty would burst out rejoicing. It's not going to happen--not today anyway--and probably not until this baby bursts out screaming.

But I do now have a very long list of books to read while I'm moping on the couch in my post no-bake torpor.

4 comments:

'becca said...

i'm going to the grocery today to buy stuff to make no bake cookies & doughnuts. nobake cookies for me and donughts b/c maybe my kids will not complain about riding the bus to school if i bribe them w/ a sugary breakfast. J's outta town so i toss the bacon and eggs, pancakes and oatmeal routine out the door ~ enjoy the cookies nad the couch. love you duffy.

Elizabeth said...

i knew that d would be your choice, that was also my choice with number three. making it through 5 pregnancies, you deserve an entire line of MAC cosmetics lip gloss (adventuresome is a very nice color), all the no bake cookies you want and liberty to whine about not taking a walk. take a nap instead, you have earned it my friend!

Jus said...

ooooh oh oh how I feel you. When pregnant I never glow. I always think when the whole thing begins "this time Ia m going to glow" but I never do.

lets get together sometime.

J

Rachel said...

"spiritual constipation"... a brilliant confessional, your blog.